My name is Steven and I’m a failed writer.

Some years ago I was contacted by an agent who had read a short story I’d published in The Long Story. He expressed an interest in representing me should I have something of greater length for him to consider. Being a Johnny-on-the-spot sort of guy, I waited for eight years to send him a novel about the parents of children on a cancer ward. He didn’t remember me. Go figure. 

“This book is well-written,” he told me over the phone, “but it’s too sad. I can’t sell it.” 

         “Do you not watch Oprah?” I responded. “There’s no such thing as too sad.”

         He then confessed that he never watched Oprah, something that surprised me as I assumed all agents hung on her every book club recommendation. He offered to read something else from me, should I write a book that didn’t provoke suicidal thoughts. The next book I sent him was more upbeat — all 180,000 words. His assistant read it, afterward renting a forklift that she used to transport the manuscript to a recycling center. She thought it well written, but too long.

Someday I’ll write about how long a book should be to make failure certain. However, the short answer is this: 180,000 words. Brian Klems, the online editor for Writers Digest and author of a new book, Oh Boy, You’re Having  Girl, would likely agree with me. He writes a daily blog that all aspiring failed writers should avoid. It cuts a wide swath across the writing discipline and includes grammar tips, advice on how to query agents and publishers, and ways to improve your characters or plots. A while back he wrote about word counts, submitting that short stories are 1500 to 30,000 words, novellas 30,000 to 50,000 words, and novels 55,000 to 300,000 words. He recommended against writing a 300,000 word novel, but I guess the message never got through to George R.R. Martin who wrote the Game of Thrones books.  

I recently started on a new book and decided to take Brian KIem’s advice. I wrote an outline with a projected word count of 70,000. I’m now at 75,000 with at least another 15,000 needed to wrap up the plot. This will put me in the 80,000 – 100,000 words sweet spot that agents think works best for a novel. However, I confess that it’s been a disheartening experience. I subscribe to the G.R.R. Martin school of thought. While I’ve never met him, I suspect he might consider 80,000 – 100,000 words to be adequate for a children’s book or someone with attention deficit disorder. I’m betting that he might consider any book worth reading to be about . . . oh, 180,000 words.