My name is Steven and I’m a failed writer.

The business of blogging is not entirely new to me, but it might as well be. I started a blog some years ago on self-publishing. This was in the early days of the movement, a rough-and-tumble era when self-published authors were routinely de-pants’ed, shoved into lockers, and sat on fountains by the traditionally published writers, an athletic bunch of intellectual athletes who had memorized the Chicago Manual of Style by the age of ten. Self-publishing has grown up since then with self-published books garnering respect and occasionally finding their way onto best-seller lists. According to exhaustive research I conducted on the internet about five minutes ago, most self-published authors sell 100 to 150 books, but if one is good at marketing and writes sadomasochistic erotica it is possible to produce an international best-seller like Fifty Shades of Grey, get a movie deal, and have your butt tossed out of Failed Writers Anonymous.

After finishing my last book, “Delphic Oracle,” (scheduled to be foisted onto an unsuspecting public next year) I reviewed the NY Times best–seller list for inspiration (not yet having joined FWA) and noted that it might behoove me to write a book about vampires, werewolves, zombies, women going through divorce, women recovering from divorce, women who would get a divorce if they were in their right minds, women meeting the perfect man who then up and dies on them (What’s up with that, Nicholas Sparks?), self-help manuals on how to live with an S.O.B. your mother warned you not to marry, self-help manuals on how your mother wrecked your life by constantly saying, “I told you so,” or cooking. None of those subjects appealed to me, but I figured I might be able to write a ghost story. Ghosts are merely a stone’s throw from vampires and zombies and I thought I might populate the Afterlife with all the really sensitive, manly guys Nicholas Sparks has callously killed off.

So I’m working on a ghost story right now and was advised to create a platform by starting a blog. Creating a platform is a marketing technique as I’m sure most of you know. It brings one into a world filled with tweets and tags and  Timblring and Facebooking and LinkedInning and Pinteresting and Instagramming and all those other things that every kid under the age of twelve already knows how to do. For me, it’s a big time sink or as Frances Caballo calls it, the “time suck.” She’s written a very helpful book, Avoid the Social Media Time Suck, that I plan to heartily recommend after I’ve read it. Unfortunately, I won’t have time for a few more days as I have yet to unravel the mystery of hash tags.

Miss Caballo begins her book with a review of social media metrics. It was interesting to note that many people spending time on these sites are 45 and older, the 55 and older demographic rapidly growing on Facebook. My wife spends a bit of time each day on social media sites. She’s become quite efficient. Give her anybody’s name, and within ten or fifteen minutes, she’ll tell you where that person lives, where they used to live, where they’re planning to live, and whether they wear boxers or briefs. That’s a powerful tool, which is why I recommend that all aspiring failed writers avoid social media. If you take the time to write a good book, have it professionally edited and designed, and then follow Ms. Caballo’s advice on marketing through social media, a best-seller might be in your future, wasting all the effort you’ve expended to fail. It’s your choice. However, should you pen a sadomasochistic work of erotica, and suddenly find yourself rubbing elbows with Steven Spielberg, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

                           #Stop Nicholas Sparks from rubbing out more eligible bachelors.